


Last dance

by Eve1978



Category: Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Drama & Romance, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Feels, Heartbreak, Long-Distance Relationship, One Shot, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-17
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2018-03-31 00:57:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3958435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eve1978/pseuds/Eve1978
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don't even know how to summarize this, this is what happens when I let my crazy fangirl feels take over and work them into a sad, dramatic one shot. I'm sorry about the feels, this is not a happy one!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Last dance

‘Hello, Tom.’

She smiled into the camera but her smile was weak and faded quickly as she shook her head and bit her lip.  

God, this was hard, why was this so hard? She could spend hours talking to him when he was right in front of her, but this, making a simple video message, seemed like the hardest thing to do.  
Maybe it was because it had been so long, she hardly remembered what it felt like to talk to him in person. How his eyes would stare at her like they could look right down into her soul, how he heard every single word coming out of her mouth, even the ones she didn’t speak, or how his voice sounded when it didn’t have to travel miles to reach her ears.   
And his sweet smile, she had always found it as much apologetic as she did adorable but lately, as she watched him on her laptop screen during their rare Skype conversations, she had seen less and less of it and even when it did make an appearance it looked distant and cold, and guilty.

There was no doubt in her mind he felt bad every time he left her, but it didn’t change the outcome. She was the one alone, not him.  

She wanted his happiness more than she wanted anything else in life, more than her own. She would have given up anything to make sure he had everything he needed, and in a way she already had. Pride and principles were something of the past, not the live she lived since him, and she had always been fine with that. She knew what she was to him and it was enough, he made her happy, she never dreamed of anything more, until recently.

‘Hello, Tom,’ she tried again. 

‘I know this is new, me sending you a message this way, but…I would never have the nerve to say what I need to otherwise, it’s the only way. God, you don’t even realize the power you have…You know I’m a strong minded woman, usually, but not when it comes to you. When it comes to you I am a slave, constantly at the mercy of my emotions and my feelings for you. I can see you shaking your head right now, which is exactly why I need to say this in a video. We both know you would just interrupt me and give me that sexy eye brow raise you do so well and that cute half smile that would make all my sorrows melt like snow under a blinding sun. And you’d tell me not to overreact and we’ll talk about it all later, when you come home in a few months. And that everything will be okay, and this will pass, as it always has, everything will be just fine because you love me, right?’

She took a deep sigh.  ‘And I’d let you have your way and suck it up, again, because that’s the only thing I can do…’  
She stayed quiet, trying to gather her thoughts before she spoke again.

‘Do you still? Love me, I mean? Because lately…I don’t feel anything. I don’t want to keep waiting for my life to start, because right now, it’s been on hold. Everything’s on hold…because you’re not here with me.’

Damn, she could feel the tears sting in the back of her eyes already, she would have loved to get through this without turning into a sobbing mess but she should have known that was out of the question. Not with her, not with Tom.

‘I love you, you know that, I know that wasn’t the deal but I love you so much I can’t even express it,’ she continued in a shaky voice,’ but it is slowly driving me insane and I…just think I need to put myself first for once and…and it would be better if we…stopped seeing each other.’

She laughed through her tears.  
 ‘As if we’re actually seeing each other now…’

She shook her head and rubbed her eyes.

 ‘I just can’t do this anymore, you’re not there for me, Tom,’ she continued, anger now overtaking the sadness in her voice,’ you’re never there for me and I fucking deserve better!’  

Fuck, she had promised herself she wasn’t going to swear either. 

Fuck this! 

***

He watched her switch off the camera, tears streaming across her cheeks as she shook her head and bit her lip. She was beautiful, he had almost forgotten, his mind had been so preoccupied lately with everything but her.  
  Looking at her now, how her long red hair curled around her pale freckled face and her big dark eyes were glistening with tears, she suddenly took his breath away. He had never seen her like this, so fragile and determined at the same time, the sadness in her eyes hurt his heart.

He hadn’t been blind to her struggle, he knew it hadn’t been easy on her the past two years, on either of them. But his job came first, acting was his true passion, his one goal in life, the thing that got him out of bed in the morning and put him to sleep with a smile at night.   

He had never pretended anything else, she knew what he was and what he needed, and she knew what he could never be to her.  

Had he been too naive? Was she not as strong as he believed? She seemed to be when he first met her, and while her wall was up so high she let him take it down so easily, brick by brick until she was completely open to him, mind and body.    
She had seemed so at peace with herself in those first months, as if he had been able to calm the storm inside of her and she could finally let go and allow herself to be happy. 

 But over the past year he had seen the first cracks appear again and he was afraid that now he was the reason for that storm to rage.

He leaned back into the sofa of his hotel room and looked at the clock, past midnight already, it would be the middle of the night where she was, Skyping was out of the question but he needed to talk to her.   
He needed to see her, he was aware it was a selfish need, and the kind thing would be to just let her go, give her a chance to get back to her life. 

But he couldn’t do that just yet.

***

The bed was cold, she was awake again, it was becoming a regular thing this time of night, sleep only came for a few hours at a time and once she lost it that was it, she knew she would spend the rest of the night lying awake and thinking about him, crying for him.

  Fucker, asshole, bastard! She hated him! She hated him so much, because she loved him more than she had ever loved anything.   
How dare he touch her heart and then not take it!  

She often wondered what her life would be like if she had never laid eyes on him.  Why didn’t she just skip the party that night, like she had initially planned?  
But then her friend kept insisting, and she wanted to be a good friend, so she caved and was bored out of her mind for the first hour. Until a pale, tall and too skinny for her usual taste British man walked up to her and she took her first look into those blue eyes while he flashed her that dashing smile.  

Oh, she had been so lost even before he opened up his mouth to speak, and he fucking knew it. He played her without even trying, he played her like she was his favorite instrument and he knew all the chords by heart, knew exactly how and when to touch her, he controlled all the strings and all she could do was dance, gladly and willingly.   
But he played her for too long, pulled those strings too hard and now they were on the verge of breaking.

She wiped away her tears and stared at the early morning sun fighting to peak through the curtains. Maybe she should just get away, find a new place, a nice cozy flat where everything didn’t remind her of him. With a single bed, just for her, not this kingsize with this big empty place where he used to be.

With a frustrated sigh she sat up and threw her legs over the side of the bed, pushing her fingers against her temples and trying to calm down her breathing.

She hadn’t suffered an anxiety attack for a very long time but lately she could feel them, lingering just underneath the surface, waiting to grab her and pull her back down. She had never blamed him for that, he had been the one that saved her from the meltdowns, at first. Lately he had been the one causing them. 

The distance, the loneliness, the insecurity and inability to tell him how she really felt, it was starting to way heavy on her. So heavy she didn’t know how much longer she could carry it alone.  

She walked down the stairs barefoot wearing nothing but a top and the shorts she slept in, her eyes barely open and bloodshot from all the tears, when she bumped her foot against a suitcase at the bottom of the stairs.   
Her breath got stuck in her throat and when she turned around she stared right into his pale worried face.  

‘Did I wake you?’

His voice was soft and quiet, hearing it so close to her after so long gave her goosebumps. He smiled down at her, it was that little apologetic smile she knew so well.

 ‘No, I was awake,’ she answered, ‘why…why are you here?’

  ‘I got your message,’ he said and he opened up his mouth to speak but changed his mind and walked up to her instead, opening up his arms and pulling her into them. She disappeared into his embrace, his warmth, his smell, he was like an instant cure for her sadness and she clung to every part of him, digging her nails into his back through the fabric of his black t-shirt as she inhaled his scent and buried her face against his chest.

‘I’ve missed you so,’ he whispered into her ear as he leaned his face against her hair and breathed her in. For a moment all the weight was lifted off her shoulders, he was here, in her arms. She wanted to stop time right here, in this moment, before they had to look at each other again, before the excuses came, before they had to talk and face reality.   
But she knew this moment was a lie.  

She broke from his arms after a few minutes, her hands on his shoulders to take a better look at his face, his tired eyes and messy hair, but also, even more so, to keep him at bay.   
‘What I said in that video…’  
 ‘I know you meant it,’ he interrupted her,’ you were right to mean it, and to say it. You should have said it sooner.’  

‘I didn’t want to lose you sooner,’ she whispered, knowing the only outcome of this conversation.

Her hands left his shoulders and she took a step back from him, trying to climb back up the stairs. But he launched forward, not allowing her to take her distance, putting his body right in front of hers and letting her feel his warmth and his breath on her skin as he leaned even closer.   
 ’No,’ he then spoke.  
The power in his voice emerging from that one word made her shiver. 

‘No,’ he repeated, much softer this time,’ I am here now. I am here for you now.’  
Their eyes locked and she could see the resolution on his face but also the sadness and the guilt in his eyes, guilt that he let it come this far. And she knew his eyes never lied, but it didn’t matter now.  
‘I need more than that,’ she shook her head and looked away.

He took her hand and laced his fingers with hers while he leaned his forehead against hers, forcing her to look back into his eyes. The sadness in there was making way for determination and she knew she’d be lost if she touched him again now, they’d be in the bedroom between the sheets within minutes. In this moment her mind was still able to resist him but her body was always the weak link. She closed her eyes in a sigh.

‘I am here now,’ he simply repeated,’ is that not enough? I’ve travelled from another continent to see you.’  
‘And you’ll travel back to it by tomorrow night,’ she stated, pushing his hand back,’ no, it is not enough, Thomas.’

‘Tia,’ he grabbed her hand again, more forcefully this time and he pushed her back up the stairs with his body. She climbed up to get away from him but she knew it was a bad move as now she was leading him straight to the bedroom.   
They both stopped when she reached the top of the stairs and he loosened his grip on her hand, seemingly shocked by his own fierceness. 

 ‘I’m sorry,’ he spoke quietly.   

She just shook her head and looked at the shame in his eyes, she had missed him so much, even this darker part of him. Especially this darker part of him…

As soon as he let go of her hand she was the one that grabbed it again, making him look up at her in surprise as she pulled him closer to her. 

Why waste time on talking? Nothing said here tonight would change anything at all. She had to close her heart to him if she were to get through this conversation, but right now her body was aching for him too much, she could no longer deny it.    
'You’re here now,’ she spoke softly,’ show me why.’

His lips were on hers in an instant, putting fire to her heart at the first touch, her hands flew into his hair and he quickly urged her mouth open further, pushing his tongue in there to find hers.  His arms snaked around her waist and lifted her up a little bit as he walked her closer to the wall, his erection already prominent against her thigh as he pushed his body up against hers and her back hit the wall.     
His mouth sucked at the flesh of her neck, kissing slowly and dragging his teeth over it until she shivered, while his hardness found her center and he rolled his hips to push into her harder, dragging out the first moans from her mouth.

  ‘There you are,’ a smile spread across his lips as he watched her fall apart under his touch,’ my sweet filthy girl.’ 

Her fingers pulled at his hair hard to show her disapproval, stealing a little whimper from his lips as his face twitched in pain. A little smile formed on her lips seeing the result of her action, but she eagerly spread her legs for him anyway as he pinned her down against the wall.

  ‘Do you really want to walk away from this?’ he whispered while his hands sank down to feel up her breasts through her small top, making them peak at the light brush of his thumbs while his tongue darted out to lick her neck slowly.

She could feel the dampness in her shorts already while he poked his growing erection into her center, hitting her sweet spot with every thrust of his hips.  
 ‘Tom,’ she moaned, biting her lip to keep from screaming his name louder.

  ‘Can you really walk away from me?’ he growled into her ear,’ you are so quick to deny your desire with your words but your body never lies to me, my darling.’  

His voice had always been her biggest weakness and he knew exactly how to use it against her. His kisses sank down from her lips to her neck and her exposed shoulder while his hand sank down to cup her ass and pull her center up against his hardness, reaching her sensitive spots even better than before.  
 ‘Tom, my god,’ she moaned, putting her arms around his neck to hold herself up as she clung to his strong shoulders.  

‘I know how much you’ve missed this,’ he purred against her neck,’ I’ve missed it too, every inch of this gorgeous body of yours, how you feel, how you sound, how you smell.’   
He kept kissing her neck in between his words and she closed her eyes as his hand made its way to the front part of her shorts and cupped her sex, brushing his thumb over her clit, making her bite her lip harder. She was nearing her orgasm already.  
  ‘Nothing makes me harder than to see how you react to my touch,’ he whispered,’ how hot your skin feels right now, how wet I make you…’ 

His fingers made their way into her shorts and in between her folds, smiling to find his words were true.  
 ‘Oh you’re dripping, my dear,’ he growled and he started moving his thumb in slow circles, bringing her closer with his every move and every word. He smiled at her flushed face and how she clung to his shoulders to keep from falling. 

With one hand he pulled up her leg around his waist to spread her wider, allowing him easy access as he slid one finger inside of her while keeping his thumb on her throbbing clit.  She was falling apart, her body aching for release and she was closer than ever, until she opened her eyes and saw the satisfied arrogant smirk on his lips. It was enough to stall her orgasm and for a moment she could feel the anger rise inside of her, but then she noticed the sweat on his forehead and the way he was gritting his teeth and breathing hard.   
He was getting more turned on by the minute and she could see his control slipping.

‘Make me come,’ she begged him,’ don’t be a fucking tease, it’s been too long.’

‘It sure has,’ he moaned, taking her hand and letting it slide into his pants, he was rock hard and she could already feel the wetness from his arousel on the tip.  
 She quickly freed his erection and pulled his pants down, letting him do the same to her shorts. When she sank down to put them on the ground she used this opportunity to take over control, putting her hands on his hips as she switched places with him and pushed him up against the wall, her hand gripping his erection before he could react to what was happening. 

‘What are you…?’  

Her tongue circled around his tip a few times, shutting him up instantly while she licked him clean before she took him into her mouth completely. She didn’t give him any time to adjust before sliding back over his entire length and working up a steady rhythm.   She knew he was already close but she was ready to push him painfully close to the edge, if he wanted to tease she would show him he wasn’t the only one who knew how to play that cruel game.

 ‘Fuck!’ his moan was primal and his hand gripped her hair and squeezed hard as his head hit the wall behind him and his hips rocked against her mouth,’ oh my god, shit! Tia, I’m too close, stop…stop, darling, I’m gonna…fuck!’

She pulled off him just in time, standing up to meet his eyes with a little mischievous look in her eyes while she licked her lips.   He took his erection and put it against her center, slowly dragging it over her folds but she could see by the struggle on his face he was having trouble controlling himself. She brought her lips to his ear while she took his erection into her hand, making him gasp as she guided him to her entrance and pushed him in slowly.

 ‘If you don’t make me come right now I will do it myself,’ she whispered and she bit his neck.

He started thrusting slowly, spreading her legs further with every thrust of his hips while his arms circled around her to keep her standing. Her eyes fell shut at the feeling of him filling her up to the hilt, his speed increasing, his breath quickly losing control and his eyes shut while muttering swear words under his breath.    
When he pulled all the way out and in again she wanted to scream but her voice was suddenly gone, all she could do was keep her eyes on him as he worked himself up to his climax. 

It seemed like time stopped right there.   

This was it, the only time she had felt completely at peace over the last years, with him inside her, clinging to her, bringing her up to heaven and keeping her grounded at the same time.  And she realized that whatever she had said earlier was already starting to fade again. Her resolve was weakening with every thrust and every moan.

She would never be able to walk away from him, even if her mind knew it would be for her own good. Her heart was stolen and her body claimed, there was no way out of this relationship, if you could even call it that.   
And the truth was she didn’t really want there to be.  

He was so beautiful, even more so in this moment where all control had left him, it was so rare to see him like this, submerged to his needs, desperate to get what he needed from her. His mouth was open and his rhythm had become erratic, his hair was covered in sweat and his skin was burning against hers, she knew he was close.  Her own orgasm was rushing through her like a forceful wave crashing the shore, hard and all consuming at first and then lingering on until every last drop of it had quietly left her body.

 ‘Oh fuck!’ she could feel his cock twitch inside of her while he clung to her and bit down on the skin of her shoulder until he heard her cry out in pain. She knew he was leaving his mark, making it clear to her without using words. 

You are mine, whether you want to be or not.  

She held him close to her for several minutes, afraid to break this moment, to wake up, to look into his eyes and see nothing there, and even more afraid to show him her tears.   
He broke the hug to look at her and found the tears streaming down her cheeks, the initial surprise on his face was quickly followed by sympathy and a little sadness in his eyes. She wasn’t sure it was sadness, it might have been guilt again. 

He brushed her tears away softly with his thumb while his other arm pulled her naked body against his.  
 ‘Don’t cry for me, love. I’m not worth any of that,’ his voice was soft and comforting but it only brought more tears.   He lifted her up into his arms without saying another word and carried her to the bedroom, where he slowly put her onto the bed and crawled next to her. 

He took her hand and pulled her up against his body, she was already cold again and he grabbed the sheets to cover the both of them.

  ‘Will you stay?’ she asked quietly.   
‘The night?’ he asked.  
 ‘Hm,’ her voice was barely more than a whisper.   
‘Yes,’ he answered, pulling her body closer until their limbs were entangled and he could feel her slowly starting to warm up again. 

She was clinging to him, her arms around his waist and her face against his neck. He kissed her forehead while his hands softly stroked the small of her back and her hair, her breathing calmed down after a while.

She felt so perfect in his arms, so warm, so soft, so completely his. And for a moment he allowed his mind to wander off and imagine what it would be like to fall asleep like this every night, with her.  
But another part of him was already restless again, aching for the sun to come up so he could leave again. He took a deep sigh and met her eyes as he looked down. 

‘I can’t give you what you want,’ he spoke softly.  
 ‘I know,’ she answered, a little resigned smile on her lips,’ it’s okay.’

 ‘It is not okay,’ he whispered,’ you shouldn’t let me hurt you like that.’

She leaned on her elbows to look at him,’ it is my heart, I get to choose who breaks it.’ 

There was no doubt in her mind the look on his face was one of sadness this time. She softly kissed his lips and her heart made a little jump when his hand circled her neck to bring her face closer and kiss her deeper and more passionately.

‘I don’t want to be the one that breaks you,’ he then spoke, the serious sincere look on his face almost made her cry again,’ that was not the deal.’

  ‘I love you,’ she whispered.

She recognized the look on his face as soon as she spoke those three words, and she knew she would not hear it back. He had never said it back to her, off all the things he was, a liar was not one of them.  

‘That was not the deal either,’ he then spoke softly.   
‘Fuck the deal.’  
 ‘Tia…’

 ‘Just fall asleep with me and don’t say another word,’ she then said in a sigh and she turned her back to him, a little relieved sigh escaping her lips when she felt his arm around her waist as he pulled her against his warm naked body and they fell asleep together.

***  

His hand was on the handle of his suitcase when she walked down the stairs.  
 ‘Good morning.’

Her voice was calm, and when he looked into her eyes he immediately noticed they looked different from the night before. She had that determined look again, the one he had seen in the video, but without the tears this time.

‘Look,’ he started,’ what I said last night…I didn’t mean any of that. I don’t want to lose you, Tia. You do know that, right?’   
She nodded her head. 

She knew this routine, it was the same dance they always did right before he left. Any harsh words would be undone or forgotten. New promises would be made and desires whispered but the dance always ended in the same pose, with her alone on the dance floor in tears and him walking away carefree.

  ‘I cherish what we have, more than you know,’ he spoke while he took her hand and pulled her closer until she leaned against his chest, his lips finding hers in a soft kiss.  
She kissed him back passionately, giving him more than he asked for until she felt him clutch to her and his hardness was pressing up against her leg, then she pushed him away and looked up into his eyes.

  ‘Can we please get back to that, love?’ he asked. ‘You know how great we are together, we have fun, you make me smile. Fuck, you make me horny like no one else. Please, my darling, can we not enjoy all that without making it into this serious thing?’

She just stared at him, her expression was blank for a few moments and he expected her to just start smiling at him and throw her arms around his neck like so many times before. He knew she couldn’t walk away from him, she wanted him too much for that, she would cave and everything would be as it was again. 

But then she did the last thing he expected, she took a step back and her eyes turned cold.

‘No.’ her voice was firm.  
‘Darling,’ he begged.

‘I am not your darling,’ she said, her voice even louder now,’ you were right last night. I was blinded but this morning when I woke up I realized you were right and I needed to hear you say it.’   
‘I was tired and talking out of my ass,’ he threw back,’ you know I care for you, but…’   
‘I love you,’ she repeated, calmer now and immediately he was quiet.

‘Do you even know what that means? I fucking love you so damn much and it’s killing me,’ she continued, fighting to keep her voice steady,’ YOU are killing me! Whatever we had it has to be over, Tom, because if I continue this any longer…it’s going to destroy me.’  

Her voice was starting to break and he reached out to pull her into his arms but she stepped even further back from him and raised her hand.  

‘If you care the least bit about me you will not touch me again!’ he heard the anger in her voice and watched the desperation grow in her eyes and he stepped back and broke eye contact, she let out a relieved sigh.

‘I don’t want to lose what we have,’ she then continued,’ God, believe me I don’t. I need you like I need air…but you seem to breathe fine on your own.’   
She leaned back to sit down on the stairs as she looked at him.

‘You were right,’ she then said,’ you can’t give me what I need, and everything you do give me causes me more pain. It’s time for me to stop living in this dream and holding onto this hope that it will ever be more than that because it’s not. Can you please just take your suitcase and leave, really leave this time?’

‘I can’t do that, Tia,’ he sighed,’ not when you’re like this.’  
 ‘There’s only one thing you can say to me that would change anything,’ she then said,’ you know what it is and we both know you won’t say it.’

They were both quiet. Of course he wouldn’t say it, she was a fool to even believe for a second that those words would ever roll off his tongue.

‘So go, leave me, Thomas!’ she insisted angry while she averted her gaze. She knew if she looked at him for too long she would lose her newly found strength.

‘No man will ever make you as happy as I did,’ he spoke softly while he took his suitcase and opened the door, turning his head to look at her one last time, that adorable sympathetic look on his face that always made her crumble. But this time she was just shaking her head in a little annoyed smile.

‘I have no doubt that’s true,’ she sighed,’ I know no man will ever make me happy again, Tom.’

She stood up to take the door handle while she looked into his eyes and spoke with determination,’ but I will.’

She closed the door behind him and locked him out, out of her house and out of her life, and in time out of her heart.


End file.
